


will you like what you see (or will you hate it too?)

by ocdranboo



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autism, Autistic Jared Kleinman, Emotional Abuse, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Stimming, Verbal Abuse, another entry into the ao3 user transzoemurphy extended universe, anxiety attack, as per usual i am my target audience but if u guys like this or if it helps u im glad, breakdown - Freeform, curly haired jared, it’s not outright stated but it’s HEAVILY implied, kinda?more like a sobbing attack, neurodivergence, neurodivergent jared kleinman, past verbal/emotional abuse, title from Words Fail except i changed it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 07:27:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25466998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ocdranboo/pseuds/ocdranboo
Summary: > be jared, hyperfixating, stimming, happy> remember thing your dad said to you that decimated your self esteem and ability to show emotion> cry
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman
Comments: 5
Kudos: 40





	will you like what you see (or will you hate it too?)

**Author's Note:**

> brought to you by me stimming alone in an empty house at 1am and then bursting into tears 💖

Evan was sitting on the arm of the couch as Jared was gesticulating wildly, explaining the plot of his new hyperfixation. He had the Wikipedia article up on his laptop, as well as several relevant Reddit threads and about five google searches. Evan was watching as he explained it enthusiastically, hitting play on one of the songs from the cast recording. He heard the first few notes and started to flap his hands, but then, instantly switching over to the other end of the emotional spectrum, began to cry. 

“Jared, oh my god, are you okay?” Evan threw himself off the arm of the couch, moved Jared’s laptop to the other end and closed it, and sat next to Jared. He put a hand awkwardly on Jared’s leg. 

Jared nodded through his tears and tried to blink away his tears, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. 

“Um, I’m okay.”

“Hey, no. What’s wrong?”

Jared sniffed and wiped his eyes again. “It’s just, um. When I was younger—” he felt himself getting overwhelmed and curled up into a ball, rocking back and forth to try to calm himself. He focused on the repetitive motion instead of the emotions at their boiling point, emotions he didn’t quite know how to name. 

He could see Evan was there in his peripheral vision and he knew he was probably making him uncomfortable, which made him feel worse, and there was nothing he could do to fix it.

“Take your time,” Evan said quietly. “It’s okay.”

“I’m fine,” Jared said, adjusting his rocking speed to be a bit less violent. 

“It’s okay not to be fine,” Evan reminded him, his voice soft and soothing. 

Jared let out a soft sigh. “Ever since I was a kid I’ve been stimming. I used to full-on rock and flap and stim vocally. And as I got older I realised people saw me as “weird” for it, so I stopped, it it made me uncomfortable, but I stopped. But then I started doing it again when I made a friend at my camp who was autistic, and she encouraged me to stim as much as I wanted. And, um, I was scared at camp, because teenagers are mean, but when I was alone, I’d let myself, um, rock back and forth, or bounce on my toes, or whatever.”

Evan reached over to the middle of the couch and grabbed a blanket that was hanging on the back of it, tucking it around Jared’s shoulders. 

“Um, and when I got home, I went online, and I learned about stimming, and I would just let myself? Like, if I read a fanfic I liked, I’d fuckin’, I’d flap about it, or whatever. And it was fine. But one day I was watching a video about coding in the kitchen eating lunch, and I was really into it, and I remember just rocking and flapping, and my dad goes,” and Jared could hear the echo of his father’s voice in his mind, rough and deep and dark, “‘Why are you being a freak? I should record you and put it on Facebook.’ And, um.”

Jared broke into tears again, burying his face in his knees. Evan wrapped his arms around him and Jared fell into him, pressing his face into his chest and trying to slow his breathing.

“I’m sorry, Jare. I’m sorry,” Evan said, and Jared felt him rest his chin on Evan’s head. With anyone else, he would have felt trapped, but with Evan, he felt safe. 

He took a shaky breath, trying to pull himself together. 

“Um. So I, um. I didn’t stim anymore, except sometimes when I knew I was alone, or if I could pass it off as, like, me learning the renegade or something. But every time since that I’ve felt this… shame? And it’s fucking ruined being able to express joy, and I feel like shit, and just—” he cut himself off before he could break down and took a few more deep breaths. “I’m sorry. I just realised I can… be perceived.”

Evan lifted his head up to run a hand through Jared’s curls. “I know it doesn’t change what your dad said. And I know it won’t suddenly change your outlook on expressing yourself. But for what it’s worth, what your dad did is shitty, and I think that stimming is wonderful. It’s your way of expressing yourself, and it’s not fair that it was taken away from you.”

Jared tried to take in a breath but it came out a half-sob and he kept his face hidden in Evan’s shirt. “Th-thank you.”

“Of course,” Evan said. “I love you, and I care about you.”

“I love you too,” Jared said, sniffing and pulling back to, again, wipe his eyes with his sleeve. “Sorry for crying on you.”

“It’s okay,” Evan said. “God knows I’ve cried on you quite a few times. It evens out in the end.”

Jared laughed and sniffed again, shifting so his legs were crossed in the way his preschool teachers had called criss-cross-applesauce. “Um… anyway. Intermission is over.”

Evan smiled at him. “The show must go on, and I’m glad it will.”

Jared leaned over to kiss him. “I love you. And really, man. Thanks.”

**Author's Note:**

> hey btw whats the official word for “criss cross applesauce” ...that cant be it can it?!?!?
> 
> haha inability to express emotion goes brrr
> 
> i snuck online during work to post this lmao
> 
> u can follow me on tumblr @transzoemurphy if u want


End file.
